"I can change the world, I'm Mexican!"

"I can change the world, I'm Mexican!"

Have you ever heard of "The Bronze Screen?" It's a documentary; 100 years of the Latino image in Hollywood. &I saw this... 2nd semester in college, English 124. How I got this far in english class, I don't know. But that's a whole other story ;)

Anyways, watching this film was... inspiring? Well, of course. Here I am, a Mexican-American teen trying to figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of my life... I'm a writer. That's what I do best. That's why I take the higher English classes my freshman year while my friends are a few class behind. I'm a writer. That's why I spent the last four years of my life writing genius words with no meaning. Seven years, if you count the novel I wrote when I was 12. That I still haven't finished re-writing. I'm a writer. That is why I can write essay after essay for class and not get tired of it. I just get tired of that A, followed by the comment "You write well." I'm a writer and I know I'm good at it. But could there possibly be more. Well, there has to be. I'm Mexican.

I'm a singer. I've been singing for as long as I can remember. What I remember is going crazy singing Selena's "Amor Prohibido" with my cousins. I'm a singer. That's why I know every Selena, Beyonce, Ximena Sariñana, &Juan Gabriel song there is. &Why I choose to listen to music only if its singable. I'm a singer. That is why I drink tea every night, and freak out when I feel a soar throat emerging. I'm a singer. I go to sleep wishing I could sing that late at night. I wake up to a beautiful morning singing "Una Mañana." I sing when I'm happy. I sing when I'm upset. I sing when I'm angry. I sing when I'm bored. I sing when I'm excited. I sing when I'm doing chores. I'm a singer. That's why when I sing I feel like I'm on top of the world. Like there's a realese of everything that build up inside of me. I guess that I'm the only one that sees it in me, because when I sing its not about how good I am, or if I hit the note, or if I do vibrato too much or not at all. But that's all I hear. "So, you want to be a singer? Work on this this and this, and maybe you'll get hired." Haha, righttt. There's something more, right? There has to be. I'm Mexican.

I try to be an actress. I've been in two musicals within the last year. Three in my life, if you count James&the Giant Peach when I was ten. But I have never even considered the idea of being an actress until my Junior year in high school. I thought, just maybe I could do acting. I mean, I can sing right? So I auditioned for the school play "Little Shop of Horrors." I got callbacks, no part. I auditioned half a year later for "Godspell" where everyone got a part! Then half of year after that I auditioned for "Grease" and got lead, as Roger. I figured if I could pull off a guy role I must be an adequate actress. Still not as much self fullfilment as singing. And not nearly as genius as my writing. But there is always more, because I am Mexican.

I am Mexican. I have a thousand tios and tias and cousins and neices and nephews. I know what a good tamale tastes like because I eat a thousand every year at christmas, and for months afterward. I am American. I know my U.S. history and am obsessed with owning the most modern technology. I drink Coca Cola, &Eat cheeseburgers and fries and never get tired of the grease. I am Mexican-American. Sometimes I talk too fast and stumble over my words in English. Sometimes I don't pronounce words right in Spanish. Pero veras que todo se aprende.

I am Mexican-American. A minority... or um... MAJORITY. You would think that could make all the difference. I am not going to change my name to fit in. Or the color of my hair. I shouldn't have to. We're in the 21st century. Something has got to change. And I'd probably get further with my dreams if I fled the country in search for the perfect opportunity. But truth is, I CAN change the world. I want to change the world. I need to change the world. Because I am Mexican-American.

Family Quilt

I always told myself that it took six months to get over something. And for most of my teenager years that was evidently true. If a boy had broken my heart, six months later I wouldn't be thinking about him. If a friend had hurt me, six months later I wouldn't remember why. I don't know why but six months is the period of time I need before I can say, "Its in the past." But here is one thing that won't take me six months to forget. Neither will six months be long enough to recover.

I guess that with time changing all the time, its so hard not to remember the past, and want to relive it. That's another thing I tell myself all the time, don't be living the in past because the future will be so much better. I even wrote it in one of my songs, "No se vale vivir la vida recordando el ayer." And as far as I know, from the time I wrote it til now its developed a whole different meaning to me. But I'm going to let my guard down for a while and think about the past, because this one thing, I wont have in my future.

The guy in the picture, standing right next to my nana, is my cousin, Jose Rafael Ojeda. Better known as "Rafa" to the family. The day was our Family Reunion 2008, the 15th anniversary. As usual, everyone was sitting on camping chairs in one big circle. Traditionally, we start off introducing everyone new, friends of the family, of family who is attending the reunion for the first time. Then there's always the announcements, the games, the talent show, the awards for oldest and youngest, and so on. This year we had started a new tradition, the family quilt, where every family made something to represent their family, and it was all sewed together into one big quilt. To determine who was keeping the quilt we raffled it off. And I'm sure everyone remembers who got to choose the winning name.
I'm not sure of the exact words he had told my grandma, but it was something along the lines of, "Nana, usted se lo va ganar." Haha, and she did. Which brought up a lot of doubts, he says that and she wins? How does that happen, right? Well, fair and square.

The reunion was held in Pio Pico last year. And boy, do I have so many memories of that place! It seems like every month we're there, and not just us Hernandez, but everyone! Rafa, he was always there. There was always a point in the day when the kids and me got hungry, got thirsty, or just wanted to munch! So off we go to the county store, and almost always Rafa would come walking after us. And as if he had the money, he always offered to pay if we let him come, haha. I remember this one time, he was trying to work the hot dog machine. Like where are the buns? How do I grab the sausage? Hey, ale, don't grab a monster cause they're bad for you! Man, I'm hungry. &Whether I was there or not when this happened, I can imagine. He gulped down his hot dog before he was out of the store, but still managed to pay for it by putting his little plate on the counter.

I remember this one time, me and lucia were spending a week with Rafa. Yes, one full week with just Rafa. My mom was in Puerto Rico, and my brother and my dad were in a robotics competition in Atlanta. Well, we still had school, so they left Rafa in charge of us. Now, the school bus picked us up at 7:50am, if we left at 7:40 it would take us five minutes to get there, and five minutes to catch our breath. That's what my daddy had told him anyway. We missed the bus, btw. Me and Luz didn't mind at all. We were actually happy we missed it. Yay! No school! Right? ...Wrong. Homeboy grabbed his keys and drove us all the way to La Jolla for school. He didn't have to really, he was just risking a ticket because he didn't have his license. I can remember exactly what he said, "Your dad said the bus gets there at 7:50 and if you left at 7:40 you'd make it and you guys were there at 7:42, stupid bus driver! He left too early." And so on, and so forth. Full of laughs, huh? There's a lot more.

One time we were in T.J. Lots of laugh there! We had gone because I was going to see Juan about adding some music to my songs. They dropped me off at the cafe and went I don't know where, but by the time they picked me up Luz was cracking up at Rafa's bird calls! The bird man, haha. &If you knew Rafa, he was always making his bird calls. After that we went to Tacos Del Gordo. Y viene el mesero con el orden equivocado. He was about to go exchange the tacos, but Rafa told him he'd eat them. The waiter was like, "No, it's alright, I'll change them." Rafa still wanted to eat them... Well, duhh. That was the first time I've ever heard him say, "Stop yo bickerin' nigga!" It was the most hilarious thing in the world! The look on the waiter's face... And that became Rafa's new phrase. On the way back crossing the border too, Rafa pulled out his mica and they did not believe it was him at first. There's teenager Rafa, long haired and skinny, and adult Rafa. It gave the border patrol something to laugh about too!

My last memory of Rafa, not my only one obviously, there's a whole lot more. But my last memory of him was at the family reunion. As always Ana and me sang for the crowd, very small crowd. I sang the first half of "Vestido Blanco." I had given my little introduction, this song I wrote inspired by my cousin Adriana. Its her song, basically. &I finished singing, walked of, and he went, "Hey! Why'd you write that song for her?" "Um, I don't know. Because it's about her?" "Ooh. Well, you should write a song for me!" The one thing I loved about Rafa is that he was always encouraging me to sing. "Miss American Idol" was his nickname for me. I hated it so much! But hey, I was happy he was there.

When Rafa died, it was the worst feeling in the world. I could feel it in my chest. I never believed in heartbreak being an actually heartbreak, pain included. But it was. I guess we all felt it, and probably still do feel it whenever he comes to mind. At least a couple hundred times a day, haha. Everyone talked about the good things he brought to our lives. A smile here and there, a bunch of laughs. I know he always had me laughing. It's hard to understand why these kinds of things happen, especially to the young. After all, he was only 35. The first of the cousins. I love my cousins! Every single one of them! So I wrote this song, inspired by Rafa, for the cousins.

"Said I should write a song for you, but I never found the inspiration to. Even now that you have left us, all that I have left is... Would you please be the angel watching over me? Reminding me what family was. You're what I think of Family Love."

Te Extraño, Rafa!